Beauty and the Geek
by Kayochen
Summary: There's a new girl in town and Bart seems to be getting on pretty well with her but what unforseen tragedies will unfold?! *gasp* It's finally finished! Chapter 3 is up!
1. Part 1

This is my first Simpsons fic. I'm just attempting to write an episode basically so try to imagine it like it's on TV.

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Beauty and the Geek

Part 1

It's an ordinary day in the Simpson home when Homer bursts through the door and cries,

'Gather round family because I am now in ownership of a genuine crocodile skin wallet!' The whole family but Lisa lets out an appreciative,

'Oooooooooooooo.'

'But Dad,' says Lisa, 'they hunt down and kill crocodiles for their skins.' Homer thinks, or rather, stares blankly into space, for a moment and then says,

'Oh Lisa, amphibians can't feel pain.' Marge then interrupts,

'It's a lovely purse, Homer, but how much did it cost us?' Homer giggles like a schoolgirl then says,

'That's the beauty part, Marge,' he giggles some more, 'it didn't cost me diddely-squat! I found it in the street, and it had *giggle* a thousand dollars in it!'

* * *

In the Springfield Orphanage, two men stand in a room full of ragged little orphans.

One of the men gasps in horror,

'Oh no! I can't find the funds, I had them in the crocodile-skin wallet, I must have dropped it on my way to the pound to sell some kids. Looks like there'll be no Christmas this year.' The whole room erupts in crying.

* * *

'Homer! You have to hand that money in to the police station,' says Marge. Homer grins and says,

'Too late. I already 'invested' it, look at this.' he throws the front door open to reveal a trampoline, 'The Trampoflux 3000!' announces Homer. Marge then lets out a trademark,

'Hmmmmmmmm,' and says, 'A trampoline? Those aren't very safe.' Neither Marge nor Homer notice that Maggie has wormed her way on to the trampoline and is currently bouncing so high, it takes her a considerable length of time to come down. Meanwhile, Homer is arguing,

'But Marge, it's the trampoflux 3000,' Marge groans. Homer repeats his sentence slowly, 'The Tramp-ooo-fluuux-three-thoou-saand,' suddenly Maggie lands in Homer's arms, at which Homer says, 'Hi, Lisa.'

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Short, I know but this is just intro, hopefully the rest will be longer (and better).

,,^. .^,,


	2. Part 2

Thanks to **Christina** for pointing out my misspelling of tragedies, it has been changed! Oh, and this is not written in script, it's just in the present tense, don't ask me why I did it that way, I just thought it would be easier to picture on a screen. And I haven't seen the episode where Homer got a trampoline before, oh well. . . maybe they all caught amnesia, well, I'm taking literary license on this one anyway.

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Part 2

Marge is making sandwiches in the kitchen when Bart trudges in looking bored.

'Hiya, Honey. What's the matter?' says Marge, handing her son a sandwich. Bart congers up the power to reply,

'I'm booooooooooored, that trampoline's getting old.'

'Bart, we've only had that thing an hour.' Bart rolls his eyes upward,

'Still. . .'

'Well, Milhouse's mother is going out with her new husband in a few minutes--'

'Milhouse's mom got married?!'

'Oh, didn't I tell you, she met a man on her holiday in Australia.'

'So they got married?' says Bart in disgust,

'The service came free with the funeral.'

'Funeral?' Marge shifts around a little,

'Er. . . I'll tell you later. but anyway, I told her we'd look after Milhouse today, maybe he can make the trampoline fun.'

'Well, he does provide me with a certain amount of amusement when milk squirts out of his nose if I say 'booger' at the lunch table.'

'See, you'll have plenty of fun,' at that moment the doorbell rings, 'there he is now.' Marge answers the door and greets Milhouse, 'Hello, Milhouse and, oh, who is this?' Behind Milhouse stands a girl about the same age with hazel coloured hair and tanned skin,

'Hi, Mrs Simpson. I'm Mandy, Milhouse's step-sister' Milhouse pipes up,

'My mom forgot to mention she was coming.' Bart then rounds the corner form the kitchen holding his sandwich,

'Hi Bart!' says Milhouse, Bart is to busy looking, with curiosity, at Mandy, though, to listen,

'Oh yeah,' says Milhouse, 'Bart, Mandy; Mandy, Bart. Now let's go play on your trampoline!' both Mandy and Bart are completely oblivious to the ranting blob that is Milhouse. Bart says, trying not to sound interested,

'Sooooooo, what stuff do you like?' Mandy, also trying to sound uninterested, shrugs her shoulders and replies,

'I dunno. . . I like TV' Bart lets out a gasp of surprise,

'Me too!'

'Wow!' cries Sandy,

'Hey, do you wanna go watch TV right now?!'

'YEAH!' The two run off in glee leaving Milhouse and Marge standing in the hallway,

'D'you wanna play with me, Mrs Simpson?' Milhouse urges.

'Er. . . I've gotta go peel the toaster.' Marge then runs off leaving Milhouse to drop his head and sigh.

* * *

Bart and Mandy are sitting on the sofa in the living room. Bart asks,

'Do you like Itchy and Scratchy?'

'A mouse butchering a cat! How could I not like it?!' so Bart switches on the TV and soon that well-known theme tune comes blaring out of the speakers. Once the tune has finished the title 'Road-Rage Rodent' appears. [Author's note: you can skip this part out if you want, it has no relevance what so ever to the story and is kinda disturbed, but hey, it's Itchy and Scratchy]

It is a sunny day in Itchy and Scratchy land as we view a pretty road with a rose drenched cottage on one side and a smitten-kitten, Scratchy, on the other. . . how quaint. Scratchy has a love letter which has the address, 

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Cutsey Cottage,

1 Honeydew Lane

Little comic book hearts pop up around Scratchy's head as he blindly steps out into the road. But what's this?! Itchy? In a Lamborgini Diablo? Revving his engine? I think we can all guess where this is going.

One quick push of a pedal and Scratchy is a blueberry pancake on the highway. [if you haven't already stopped reading, you may want to do so now, it gets worse] Oh, but it's okay, he quickly peels himself off and dusts himself down and is once again ready to meet his love. Itchy snaps his fingers in frustration but soon has a light bulb-popping idea. Before Scratchy knows what's what, his tail is tied to the fender of Itchy's car and his ears nailed to the floor. Itchy switches his car into fifth, and soon half a cat is trailing from it leaving a path of blood and innards behind.

'THE END' By this time Bart and Mandy are rolling around on the floor laughing.

As they dry their tears and clamber back on to the sofa, Bart asks,

'So, Mandy, is it hard living with Mrs Vanhouten?'

'Hmmm, not really. It's Milhouse who it's hard to live with.'

'Yeah, he can be kind of annoying but he's not such a geek as everyone thinks.' just at that moment, the pitiful voice of Milhouse emanates from the kitchen,

'Mandy! I spilt my eyebrow medicine, I keep a spare in my underpants but the tension made me nervous and I wet myself. . . and I'm not wearing underpants. . . let's go home.' Mandy sighs and rolls her eyes,

'Well, duty calls.'

'Y'know, I could come and give you a hand dealing with Milhouse sometime.' suggests Bart.

'That's sweet of you to offer. Okay, I'll give you a call sometime.' Bart looks a little akward,

'Mandy, I. . . I, well. . I--'

'Maaaaaaaaaaaaandy, it feels like someone's stabbing my eyebrows with a million board pins.' Bart just sighs,

'I had a really great time.'

'Me too,' replies Mandy as she flashes him a quick smile and goes to fetch Milhouse.

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Hmmmmmm, pretty darn boring I know. . . I'm having a bit of a writer's block at the mo, I might yank this story if it gets any worse.


	3. Part 3

'Thank God! She's finally ending it!' I hear you cry, yes, I know it's boring, I know its tedious, I know its the worst attempt at a fanfic since monkeys learnt to type, but it is finally coming to close; so you can all sleep peacefully a night knowing that this pathetic stain on the blanket of Internet will float into cyberspace never to be seen again. But thanks for all your reviews, very encouraging and, no, I made the Itchy and Scratchy episode up. . . like they say in South Park, 'the Simpsons have done everything' so why try and avoid it? Oh well, here is the last chapter, enjoy!

Disclaimer ('cos I forgot on the last 2 chapters ^///^): As you may have guessed, I do not own the Simpsons or any related er. . . stuff.

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Part Troi (just thought I'd go a bit European there)

Quite conveniently to the plot, it just so happens to be the day before Valentine's the following week.

Bart is in his room at his desk surrounded by scraps of pink paper, glue and lace.

Lisa appears in the doorway and sneaks in quietly, as she is leaning over Bart's shoulder she asks,

'Watcha doin'?'

'Aaaaahhhhhh!' yells Bart in surprise; he quickly covers up all his work,

'Let's see. . .' says Lisa picking up the half finished valentine, 'this must be for Maaaaaaaandy:

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Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Anybody would puke if hey had to kiss you.'

'Oh, sorry! That one's for principal Skinner, this one's for Mandy.' says Bart handing Lisa a big paper heart surrounded by lace.

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'Dear Mandy,

I like you a lot. . . for a girl, and wish you would be my girlfriend.

Love Bart.

Oooooooooo! Bart's got a girlfriend, Bart's got a girlfriend.'

'Oh yeah?!' snaps Bart, 'Well who'd you write to?' Lisa gives an embarrassed chuckle and fiddles with her necklace,

'The Backstreet Boys.' Bart grabs a rose lying on his desk,

'Now for the piece de la resistance!' he says as he sprinkles rose petals over the card.

'Bart!' cries Lisa, 'That's the Dad's valentine's gift to Mom. Bart shrugs his shoulders,

'Meh, they'll never notice.' he says, placing the decapitated rose stalk back in it's vase.

* * *

Bart leaps on to the banister and slides down clutching his valentine.

'Happy Valentine's Day, Sweety!' calls Marge from the kitchen, 'I made heart shaped pancakes.'

'Sorry, Mom, no time. I've gotta give this valentine to Mandy.'

'Awwwwww, my sweet little pumpkin snugglepuss has a iccle-wittle, cwushy-wush.' on hearing this, Bart stands frozen in shock and utters,

'Mom, don't ever talk like that again.' and hops on to his skateboard down the road.

Marge sighs and says,

'Now those pancake will have to go in the trash.' she turns round to see Santa's Little Helper gingerly chewing on the pancakes, 'Bad dog! Stop.' she says, scooping up the plate and tipping the contents into the trash.

* * *

Bart arrives at Milhouse's house only to find a moving van waiting outside . Bart rushes up to Mandy who is standing gloomily on the sidewalk, her face lights up as she sees him running towards her,

'Bart!'

'Mandy, what's going on?'

'We're moving back to Australia.'

'But why? It's just a bunch off kangaroos and boomerangs.' Mandy looks at him sceptically and replies,

'The Springfield Mafia are after us. Look, they're in that bush right now.' she indicates a bush through which 3 sets of eyes are peering.

Inside the bush sit Fat-Toni and his 2 cronies,

'Do you think they see us?' asks Legs as they look out at Mandy who is staring straight at them and pointing at the bush.

'Not a chance.' replies Fat-Toni.

Bart reaches deep into his pocket and says,

'Mandy, even though you're going away, I wanna give this to you.' he is about to hand her the card when Milhouse comes rushing out of the house and cries,

'Mandy! I have to give you something.' he is holding a pink heart covered in sprinkles and messy hand-writing. Bart spots the card and says discreetly,

'Milhouse, may I talk to you a second?' he leads him over to the bushes, 'Do you have a crush on your sister?!'

'Step-sister.' corrects Milhouse,

'Well?'

'Um, I--' Milhouse mumbles turning red.

'That's disgusting! Your children will be born mutants!' cries Bart,

'Well you like her too!' says Milhouse snatching Bart's valentine from his hand,

'Give that back!' shouts Bart as he wrenches Milhouse's valentine from him,

'Hey!' yells Milhouse,

'Let's see here,' says Bart, 'Dear Mandy, I love you more than tapioca and--'

'Stop it!!' and with that Milhouse leaps at Bart's throat and the two wrestle around on the ground attempting to kill eachother when they suddenly hear the sound of a motor. The pair look up to see Mandy driving away,

'Bye Bart! Bye Milhouse!' she shouts as Fat-Toni runs after the car clutching a knife.

'Wait! I just wanted to return your letter! It was delivered to the wrong address! See, I got a letter-opener!' he shouts after them.

'She's gone' sighs Bart, 'and she never even knew how I felt.'

'Well, atleast I've got her address and phone number right here on this--' Milhouse reaches into his pocket and his eyes widen,

'What is it?' asks Bart

'The intensity of the situation made me wet my pants.'

'Oh well,' says Bart putting his arm around Milhouse, 'it's the first time a girl had ever come between us and--'

'What about my old girlfriend, the one who ended up at St. Sebastian's?'

'Well, that was a fluke but--'

'And Renier Wolfcastle's daughter.'

'Well--'

'And the--'

'Okay, okay, point taken. But it'll never happen again. Hey!' just at that moment a cute girl walks past.'

'Wow!' drools Milhouse, 'Look at the legs on that one!'

'I saw here first, and beside, she's wearing pants.'

'She's mine!'

'Oh yeah?!' and soon the two are rolling around on the floor like rabid dogs once again.

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Taa-daa! Oh, and just so you know, Bart's opinion of Australia does not represent my own. . . Mate. End!

=^. .^= . (,,',,) . ( . ) . (


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